In which I ask Daily Mail readers what to make of Kate Winslet’s baby news (brace yourselves).

So I was reading The Daily Mail online ( I know: No good sentence ever started with these words but stick with me).

I was reading  The Daily Mail for research purposes when a story broke that was so huge I had to drop everything and write this post.

Shit the bed people Kate Winslet is pregnant!

Unable to make up my mind what I should think about a woman I have never met having a baby with her husband I turned to the comments at the bottom of the article  – 476 at the time of writing –  to find out what readers of The Daily Mail think about  it.

OK so they’re not just readers of The Daily Mail, they are readers of The Daily Mail who have been so moved by a Daily Mail article they felt compelled to comment.

Most comments were negative although to be fair there were a few people sticking up for Kate, an effort I can only liken to watching a small boy trying to piss out a forest fire.

Most worrying were the bonkers Titanic fans who were irate that Kate has still not got it on with Leonardo Di Caprio. Presumably these people are also annoyed that they have been unable to book a holiday to Munchkinland and see the flying monkeys.

Most people wanted to point out that Kate will soon have 3 different children with 3 different fathers which is apparently the worst thing that can happen, like, EVER.

Right…….ok……..I’ll be the one to say it,……… so she will have 3 kids by 3 different men?!?!?

– LW74, Sunderland, United Kingdom, 

Thanks for being the one to say it. Except everyone else has said it too and many of them have managed to make the point without resorting to the random assortment of punctuation you have used.

I suspect LW74 was so incensed by Kate’s actions he/ she/ it simply smashed the keyboard with a fist at the end of the sentence in blind rage. Celebrities falling pregnant can have that effect.

Repeat for several hundred comments.

Many comments pointed out that if this marriage were to fail, and if  Kate met another partner, and if they were to have a child she would have 4 different children with 4 different Dads. A family situation which someone has wittily called a 4×4, making Kate currently a not quite so snappy 3×3.

3 x 3, nearly a 4 x 4

– Proletarian, as are we all, Formerly Great Britain, now Yuk,

Following this theory to it’s logical but somewhat bizarre conclusion if my relationship with Mr Eeh Bah were to fail, and  if  I met George Clooney and if we  had a child I would be very, very fucking surprised indeed.

I’ve sifted through the rest of the comments and picked out my favourites while David Harewood reads the children a bedtime story on CBeebies (Damn you better appreciate the sacrifice).

kinda old and to have all your children by different dads is trashy as helll

– jillymarie, detroit, United States, 

Yeah Kate how dare you be old.

For God’s sake woman! Have some class: Be younger.

I’m pleased for Kate and her husband, but I hope for the sake of her two other children, this relationship lasts the course – it must be confusing to have 3 fathers/father figures in their lives, or am I just old fashioned

– mary, England, 

No mary you’re not old fashioned at all – just easily confused.

My 2 year old daughter can remember all the names of the Octonauts ( there are 8 of them) so learning to recognise 3 different men – one of whom would be her own father would pose no problem whatsoever.

Income secured from third ex husband…. tick!

– Sophie, Wiltshire,

Yeah! She probably only ever became an award winning actress and global superstar so she could divorce people and claim alimony. Bitch.

Thanks for pointing that out Mr… oh, er Sophie.

Wow! A woman made this comment. About another woman.

Christ the world is a sorry place sometimes.

I can only assume Sophie is one of those people so upset that Kate is not with Leo she has turned into a complete bitch…..tick!

If I do not know this woman,.why do I dislike her so much?

– hoolahoops3, Birmingham, United Kingdom

I have no idea hoolahoops3.

Maybe because hoolahoops 1 and 2 are always dissing her?

And at only 37..How many different Fathers???????????????????????

– cyberman12, london, United Kingdom,

Not this again. Three fathers.

Just three.

That’s 20 less (count ‘em) than the amount of question marks you felt it necessary to use at the end of this sentence cyberman12.

Who knew cybermen were so opinionated?

Christ alone knows what cybermen 1 – 11  think about the situation. Does Steven Moffatt know what he’s dealing with? Someone should tell him.

3 kids by 3 different men. My mum will have something to say about this.

– Cherry Menthol, London,

Unfortunately we are not privileged to know exactly what Cherry Menthol’s mum will have to say about this as she appears to have no access to the Internet which on reflection can only be a good thing.

But the kids she has don’t seem to get much of her attention. Kate is looking for LUV after all! They look overweight. Why not stop at 2 and spend time rearing some quality in these 2? So instead of keeping breeding sign up these 2 ones who are already out there for tennis lessons and go there yourself, Kate? Your thighs would benefit from this too…

– Lera, any town, United States, 

I honestly have no words and would like to apologise for even making you read this comment. But I read it and couldn’t unread it so you must suffer too.

When I’ve finished here I am soo going to rear some quality into my children who are already out there. (Books tennis lessons: That should do it)

Something inherently vulgar about a woman having kids with different fathers. I mean 3 different sperm of 3 different men in one woman producing kids? nasty. I don’t have kids myself but am damn sure that if I am blessed to. It will be with the man I marry and spend my life with. There celebrity women exchange men like they change their clothes. It isn’t sending a good message out. Can you imagine her children growing up and they ask their mother where their respective father is? I am not disputing that Kate wouldn’t raise her kids with love or in a good environment. But swapping men and breeding like she does is disgusting.

– Jo, Shropshire, United Kingdom, 

Jo seems a bit confused about the whole process of making babies with her wonderful comment about 3 different sperm in one woman.

I fear for Jo and her beautiful dream marriage.

She seems to find a lot of things nasty and disgusting and talks of being blessed with children as though they arrive delicately wrapped in tissue paper.  I suspect she’s not really cut out for babies and childbirth.

I do however like the idea of Kate’s children piping up ‘Mummy where is my respective father?’

If she wasn’t so rich, she’d be called part of “Broken Britain”.

– stephen, colchester,

But she is rich so stuff you stephen, colchester.

She should be on that Chanel 4 show “Skint” !!!

– A wise guy, St Elsewhere,

Except she’s like, totally not skint.

There’s huge clue in the programme title A wise guy. A programme that incidentally  is on Channel 4 not Chanel 4 which is a knock off perfume that will probably bring you out in a terrible rash.

I hope Shropshire Jo’s dream husband buys her some for her birthday. Every frickin’ year.

And finally a comment that say’s everything I want to say….

Is there no shame anymore?

– Opto48, Surrey, United Kingdom,

I’ll leave you with that.

Since I wrote this there have been lots of articles slamming Kate for her lax morals none of which I have the time or energy to reply to.

I am returning to my original research project.

Coming Soon on this blog: The Daily Mail Readers Guide to Parenting

If My Life Was A Film It Would Be…..

The first present Mr Eeh Bah ever bought me was a GPS running watch, a gift that sends two messages: 1. Do some exercise tubby and 2. I’m going to track your every movement.

Neither of these are particularly romantic messages.

We have been together for 6 years, have 2 wonderful children and are currently disengaged (he proposed, I said yes, we bought a ring, he changed his mind).

Suffice to say Nora Ephron will not be making a film about our relationship any time soon (and not just because she’s dead).

Despite all this for some inexplicable reason I thought falling pregnant would be our big romantic moment.

I blame Hollywood.

I thought that finding out I was pregnant would go something like this:

Scene One:

It is morning Eeh Bah Mum (Jennifer Aniston) is struggling to fasten her           jeans.

Eeh Bah Mum:       Ey up ah think ah’ve shrunk me jeans luv.

(Said in a perfect Yorkshire accent, not like Anne Hathaways in One Day.)

Mr Eeh Bah (Daniel Craig) continues rubbing his naked torso with oil.

Cut To: Later that day Eeh Bah Mum (if Jennifer is not available can we get Cameron Diaz?) is walking past a hot dog cart ( in Yorkshire?) when she starts to feel unwell. She dashes to a bin and vomits glamorously.

Cut To:  That evening Eeh Bah Mum is snuggled up with Mr Eeh Bah ( Daniel Craig, still topless) on sofa choosing takeaway (Gail from of off Corrie is definitely interested).

As Mr Eeh Bah/ Daniel Craig phones through Eeh Bah Mum’s order for anchovy and banana pizza the penny drops.

Mr Eeh Bah:     Are you pregnant?

Camera pans down to reveal he is not wearing any trousers.

Scene Two:

Mr and Mrs Eeh Bah are waiting for pregnancy test to display results. Daniel Craig has now run out of oil and clothes…. (do we know what certificate this film is going to be?).

Cut To: Friends and family are gathered for summer garden party Ben Stiller is manning the barbecue, Vince Vaughn is handing out beers.

Mr & Mrs Eeh Bah call party to attention and announce that they are going to have a baby. Cheers, back slapping, corks popping.

The End

So did my Hollywood dream come true? Er not exactly.

In fact I have to hand it to the film industry they have done a fantastic job transforming an event which involves pacing nervously around a cup of your own still warm piss into something magical.

We didn’t totally miss out on the drama though with a hit rate of 7 pregnancies for 2 children there were plenty of tense moments.

The whole finding out we were pregnant thing became more of an ordeal than anything else. In film terms we’d be The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey  rather than a romantic comedy (Mr Eeh Bah could be Richard Armitage so it’s not all bad news).

This week has been a big one for the Eeh Bah household. Our daughter started nursery and our son turns one.

Not quite the stuff of Hollywood but enough excitement for me.

So what would your life be?

Written & Produced by: Eeh Bah Mum

Stunts: Eeh Bah Daughter

Original Soundtrack by: Eeh Bah Son

No animals were harmed in the making of this post.

The Toddler’s Not For Turning…

Where there is discord, may we bring sausages.

The spirit of Margaret Thatcher is alive and well in Eeh Bah Daughter. She is currently stomping round my kitchen waving her handbag, snatching her brother’s milk and refusing to back down until her wildly unpopular demands are met.

I fully expect her to have deregulated snack time and closed down the naughty step by the time she’s three.

At 2.5 years old she is currently mastering the English language – this week the difference between want and need. So far she’s grasped that need indicates a more urgent demand than wanting.  For example:

I want porridge!

Porridge is lovingly prepared and presented.

I don’t want porridge!

I neeeed toast!

Most of her demands are either infuriating or contradictory.

I want to go to dancing!

I don’t want to get dressed! (I have yet to find a naked dance class that teaches moves suitable for a 2 year old).

This week she has neeeeeded:  to go to bed, to not go to bed, to watch Octonauts, to not have her brother watch Octonauts with her, to play picnics with plastic animals and real food, to dip her chips in hot pepper sauce, to throw limes at her brothers head and to push her toy pram to the supermarket.

Sometimes her demands are so ridiculous I give in just to make the day more interesting.

As Oscar Wilde said  “ There are only two tragedies in life: One is getting what one wants and the other is seeing a 40 year old woman chase a 2 year old pushing a pineapple in a pram round the supermarket.” ( I may have paraphrased, sorry Oscar.)

To help my daughter better understand the difference between wanting and needing I have drawn up with a few useful examples:

I want Damian Lewis to take his shirt off next time he reads a CBeebies bedtime story.  I need to get out more.

I want an Alexander McQueen jersey butterfly dress.  I need to stop wiping dubious stains of my jeans with baby wipes and do some actual washing.

I want my daughter to stop using nappies. I need to accept that the potty training fairy does not exist and do something about this sorry state of affairs.

I want my children to behave nicely in public. I need to stop swearing every time I get the pram wedged in a shop doorway. ( I genuinely cannot remember the last time I walked into a shop without announcing my arrival with banging and swearing first.)

It would be too easy to moan about how infuriating life with a toddler is. I love my children and think they are both wonderful, I just wish they could be wonderful in a quieter, tidier, less irritating fashion.

Conversations with a small child: On Princesses

Early morning. Eeh Bah Mum is chasing Eeh Bah Daughter around the front room with a pair of wellies and a coat.

Eeh Bah Daughter:       I don’t want to go to playgroup!

Eeh Bah Mum:             But you love playgroup. There’ll be Playdoh and singing.

EBD:                             I don’t like Playdoh and singing.

EBM:                             Well what do you like?

EBD:                             Dressing up.

Mum looks surprised.

EBM:                             OK…. you can do dressing up at playgroup.

EBD:                             Good. I can be a Princess.

Puzzled look crosses mum’s face.

EBM:                           Why do you want to be a Princess? Princesses are boring.

EBD:                           Princesses are good.

EBM:                           Good at what? What do you think Princesses do?

Mum starts to look worried.

EBD:                           Princesses have dresses and crowns.

EBM:                          That’s what they wear. Anyone can wear a dress. You

could put the dress on but be a Doctor or a Knight instead.

EBD:                           I want to be a Princess.

EBM:                           But what do Princesses do that’s so exciting?

EBD:                           They get rescued.

Mum wipes sweat from her brow.

EBM:                           OK sit down young lady you and I are going to have a talk…

 

Later that morning at a busy playgroup. 

A small child is stuck in a walker designed for a much smaller baby. Several concerned mums and kindly playgroup assistants approach in turns. Each time the hall rings to the protestations of the small child.

EBD:                           I DON’T WANT RESCUE!

Across the room Mum looks on proudly.

Does Baby Brain Exist?

When I was pregnant I told my fella that the baby made me trump. Maybe it did. All I know is I was too damn tired to get up and go parp politely elsewhere.

This got me thinking about the old wives tales and untruths surrounding women and pregnancy and how they are generally negative – the worst being ‘baby brain’ a phrase I absolutely detest. Personally I’ve seen women pushed to new levels of capability after giving birth not infantilised.

On the subject of baby brain I will admit to one terrifying phenomenon – for the first few months after giving birth I found it impossible to read a novel.

For someone who loves books it came as a bit of shock when, post baby, I picked up the Amy Tan novel I’d been saving and tried to read.  Three months later having re read the first chapter 20 times I admitted defeat. Having a baby had affected my brain.

Reading was fine in the short form (blogs, papers, magazines) but anything longer required too much concentration. At first I put it down to lack of opportunity. I was quite busy at the time panicking about…well…. everything.

However the same thing happened after baby number two and by this time I was way past panicking, in fact by the time number 2 arrived the standard of my parenting had lowered dramatically and I stopped worrying and found time for the occasional nice sit down and a cup of tea by a simply not tidying up.

(This drop in parenting standards is why I cannot have a third child – for fear I’d be forever leaving it on the bus)

Now my youngest has turned 9 months and it reminded me what a magical time it is for a mum. Sleep patterns are more manageable and it’s time to read the first post baby book. (JK Rowling: A Casual Vacancy).

It’s also the time to start thinking about returning to work and how my chances of employment should be boosted by my perfectly honed multi tasking skills and well practised ability to work under extreme pressure.

(Mummy I want a rice cake! And a bath! And a story about a giraffe! Now!)

Ladies! Please Stop Having Opinions It’s Upsetting the daily mail

So I’ve just read the speech Hilary Mantel gave to the LRB and I found it an interesting discourse on the role of women in the monarchy.  I especially liked the bit about Diana hatching from the wedding carriage like ectoplasm. And the bit about pandas.

However as the mother of a young daughter I’m fed up of the whole women waging war on women debate and have come up with a plan to stop any future spats being fabricated by the Great British media.

The solution is cunningly simple: Let’s stop asking women for their opinions.

Look Emmeline Pankhurst did her bit but let’s face it it’s just not working out for us – every time a female in the public eye expresses an opinion about another woman we are accused of bitching.  I can understand how tempting the whole Mantelgate story is for journalists –  a larger, older lady with no children, (let’s call her the wicked witch) ‘attacking’ a pretty young woman who is almost a princess- it’s literally a fairytale situation for the papers.

In the interests of fairness if we women are to give up our right to hold interesting and diverse opinions  in return I’m suggesting the daily mail  to redesign their Femail section dividing it into a simpler format with just two headlines: on one page  ‘pictures of women who are too fat’ opposite a page of ‘pictures of women who are too thin’.

If you’re a woman and have any thoughts on this or any other matter please feel free to not comment you’ll only make it worse dear.